Maid Service
by Talim and Mina
Summary: Sirius does something very stupid and is sold into slavery by Remus! What will happen to him? More importantly, will Remus regret his decision and try to get him back? WEIRD HUMOUR, SLASH
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** We don't own the Harry Potter characters. All are property of J.K. Rowling and such. Please don't sue, we're extremely poor, even though we have legitimate jobs.

**Summary:** Sirius does something very stupid and is sold into slavery by Remus! What will happen to him? More importantly, will Remus regret his decision and try to get him back?

**WARNINGS:** Sirius/Remus SLASH, Sirius/Draco almost-SLASH, Sirius/Bill almost-SLASH. AU, extreme stupidity, OOC-ness, sometimes it won't make much sense. But it's FUNNY!

**Notes:** Just to confirm, we are NOT supporters of slavery! The 'slavery' Sirius encounters here is more of an indentured servitude. **WE ARE NOT SUPPORTERS OF SLAVERY**. There will be no outrageous cruelty here. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. **SLAVERY IN REAL LIFE IS _NOT_ FUNNY**. Our story, however, is under the 'Humour' section for a reason. SO LIGHTEN UP AND LAUGH.

Remember - **SLAVERY IS BAD.**

-Maid Service-  
-

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there were two men and a young boy who lived in a tiny little house called the Shrieking Shack. It was known as such because what the two men did together at night caused a lot of shrieking.

One of the men had long, shiny black hair and beautiful midnight-blue eyes. His name was Sirius. He had spent five years in the wizard prison, Azkaban, for selling billywig stings to teenagers. So he couldn't get a job.

The other man had short, light brown hair with silver streaks and sweet hazel eyes. His name was Remus, and he was a werewolf. So he couldn't get a job either.

And the boy had messy black hair, round glasses, and bright green eyes. His name was Harry. He was only fifteen, and his puny arms were too weak to lift anything, so _he_ couldn't get a job either. Though his parents had left him a huge fortune when they died, he couldn't use it until he was seventeen.

Sirius and Remus were lovers. The only thing that prevented them from being married was the fact that there wasn't a single minister around who would preform a wedding ceremony for two men. Harry was their godson, and he lived with them since his parents were dead.

Sirius, Remus, and Harry, having no jobs, had very little money. In fact, it was getting to the point where they could no longer feed themselves properly, much like Charlie Bucket's family in '_Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'_. They had to do _something_. They were starving.

Remus went to the cupboard one morning and pulled out an old tin. He extracted two Galleons from it and sighed.

"Is that all the money we have?" Sirius asked, peering over his lover's shoulder.

"I'm hungry..." Harry moaned, from where he sat with his head on the table.

"I'm afraid so," Remus said unhappily. He handed it to Sirius. "Here. Go and buy us some groceries."

Sirius looked at his godson, who now bore a strong resemblance to the characters in _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. "Eurgh. Okay. Off I go."

He put on his shabby old cloak and headed out. He didn't have the energy to hurry, so he walked as fast as he could (which wasn't very fast at all) and kept his fingers crossed that Remus and Harry wouldn't starve to death before he could get home.

He was almost at the market when a sign caught his eye: MOTORCYCLE FOR SALE!

Now, Sirius was a sucker for motorcycles. He loved them to death, and loved enchanting them to make them fly. Every thought of Harry and Remus vanished from his mind as he gazed upon the beautiful, glittering black-and-silver bike which sat next to the sign.

A bandy-legged, ginger-haired salesman sidled up to him. "Why, hello, sir," he said with a greasy salesman's smile. "Name's Mundungus Fletcher. You interested in this here beautiful machine?"

"Yes!" Sirius said. "How much is it?"

Mundungus grinned. "Price is five hundred Galleons, but I like your face, so I'll give you a deal. How does one hundred sound?"

Sirius was flattered. No one had ever told him they liked his face before. Then said face fell. "I only have two Galleons," he said sadly, pulling the money from his pocket.

Mundungus rubbed his stubbly chin. "We-ell... I dunno. That's a pretty steep discount." Then he grinned. "But I'll take it!" He snatched the two Galleons from Sirius, and dropped a key in his palm. "There you go! It's all yours!"

Sirius couldn't believe his good luck. "Wow! Thanks a lot!" he cried, getting on the bike and starting it up. Glowing with pride, he rode home to show his pretty toy to Remus and Harry.

Back home, Remus and Harry were waiting impatiently for Sirius to return with the groceries. They heard a loud, ominous rumbling.

"What is that?" Remus wondered, and he and Harry rose to their malnourished feet and went outside to look.

Their jaws dropped. Sirius was in the front garden, dismounting a monstrous black-and-sliver motorbike.

"Siri... where did you get that awful thing?" Remus asked.

His lover beamed. "I bought it! For two Galleons! Isn't it a bargain?"

Remus turned white. Harry wailed, "But that money was supposed to be for FOOD!"

"Oh, but this is an investment. I can ride around, dressed as a scary Muggle biker, and force people to give me money!" Sirius patted the bike lovingly. It trembled, then collapsed into a hundred pieces.

Silence reigned as a few screws rolled away under the porch. Sirius looked horrified. Remus' left eye was twitching. Sirius bit his lip. "Well, that explains the discount price..."

"THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!" Remus exploded. "Honestly, Sirius, are you that dumb! I sent you for FOOD! We are STARVING! And you came back with a MOTORCYCLE! Moreover, a motorcycle that was probably held together by SPIT AND OLD GUM!"

Sirius cringed. "But - love -"

"NO BUTS!" Remus screamed. "I've had enough! You were supposed to be the _provider_ for this family, but then you had to do so many stupid things - like getting sent to Azkaban - and don't _even_ give me the excuse that the money from the billywig stings was for food! I'm SICK of this!" He glared. "But I think I have an idea to solve our money woes."

"What's that?" Harry and Sirius asked in unison.

Remus gritted his teeth. "You, Sirius, are going to be sold!"

"What!" yelped Sirius. "No, Remmie, no!"

"I'm hungry," Harry commented, watching as his godfather collapsed in a heap and began to sob. Remus paid no attention, but headed inside to write a letter.

-

"Okay, Lupin, I'll give you one thousand Galleons for him," Lucius Malfoy said coolly. He was standing in the front yard, holding Sirius by the wrist. Remus nodded.

"That's fine, Mr. Malfoy. Go ahead, take him." Remus accepted the sack of gold Lucius handed him. "Try not to mess up too badly, Sirius."

"But Remmie !"

"Goodbye," Remus said, going into the house and shutting the door. Lucius turned and headed for the carriage that had brought him, dragging Sirius along. Sirius sniffled all the way back to Malfoy Manor. How could Remus have _sold_ him? To the Malfoys? Was he that much of an annoyance?

"No crying, Black," Lucius snapped as they headed up the stone steps. "You don't want to muss up your uniform."

"My... uniform?" Sirius swiped at his tears with his sleeve.

"Here it is!" crowed a voice. It was Sirius' cousin Narcissa, Lucius' wife. She was standing at the door with her son Draco, and they were both grinning evilly. Sirius could see why. Narcissa was waving a short black dress in the air.

-

"Come on, Black!" Lucius barked. "Get out here!"

"Ugh..." Sirius whined, but complied. The Malfoys began to snigger as he entered the drawing room.

Sirius was wearing the short black dress, which exposed a lot of leg. Underneath he wore three frilly petticoats, black fishnet stockings, and sexy, lacy white panties. He wore a ruffled white apron over the dress, a pair of black stiletto heels, and a lacy white headband. His hair was in a braid and tied with a big white bow. He had never felt like such a slut in all his life.

Fortunately for Sirius, he didn't have much time to mull over his current situation. He was put to work right away, doing the jobs the Malfoys didn't make even the house-elves do. He was to clean out the chamber pots, without magic. He started in the master bedroom, and worked his way to the rooms of the house-elves and other servants, saving Draco's for last. He knew the git would make the job as difficult and as disgusting as he possibly could. Unable to put the room off any longer, he slowly made his way to the chambers of the youngest Malfoy.

Draco was in his room, looking over what seemed to be textbooks. Sirius stopped in the doorway and peeked around the large oak door. The sight that met poor Sirius' eyes would scar him for the rest of his life. It was Draco, sitting on his bed, struggling to put on a skimpy outfit that was clearly made for a small girl, not a strapping young lad. The crazy little git was even _upset_ that he couldn't seem to achieve the task set before him! Sirius rushed into Draco's room, grabbed the chamber pot, and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Cleaning out a chamber pot was a much more pleasant task than watching Draco struggle with the outfit.

-

A day or so passed and Sirius was starting to get used to his tasks around the manor. He'd start with the chamber pots, go to the laundry, then clean anything else that the house-elves didn't get to. Generally, he was beginning to think that being the Malfoys' slave wasn't as bad as he had imagined. Then, quite suddenly, it all went downhill.

Sirius knew the day wasn't going to go well as soon as he woke up. His 'uniform' had been removed from his room, and in place of it there was a 'uniform' that even _he_ was ashamed to put on. Instead of the maid outfit, there was a blue-and-green plaid schoolgirl skirt, white stockings, and knee-high glam boots. For a shirt, there was a ruffly white blouse with the puffiest sleeves imaginable, set off by a blue bow tie.

The mention of anything actually _fitting_ was another matter. Nothing was even _close_ to his size. It all looked as though it was made to fit a twelve-year-old girl, rather than a thirty-six-year-old man. Sirius stayed in his pajamas and went to find Lucius. If he was the one who had ordered this crazy outfit, he would have no choice but to obey and put it on. Lucius didn't listen, simply nodded, and told Sirius to "bugger off".

Putting on the outfit was more of a calamity than being sold. He couldn't believe he was being lowered to such an insulting standard. He laughed a few times (though maniacally).

That day Sirius went about the house, doing his daily chores. He'd been ordered to take the place of one of the servants who had fallen ill earlier in the day. This consisted of serving the Malfoys their dinner, and of clearing the table as well. The cooks took one look at Sirius and burst out laughing. He'd chosen to put his hair in pigtails, which made him look even more ridiculous. Scowling, Sirius took the plates to the family waiting in the dining room.

Lucius was reading something, not paying attention to anything around him. Narcissa was poking at a mysterious stain on her dress, and Draco was staring slack-jawed at Sirius. Draco was, of course, the one who had put the outfit in Sirius' room for him to wear. This was the outfit he'd been struggling with a day earlier. He thought it would just be demeaning for Sirius to wear it, but somehow he made it look GOOD! He dribbled just a bit.

Narcissa looked up from her dress and shrieked when she saw what her servant was wearing. Lucius looked up, and Sirius dropped the tray of food he was carrying. Lucius' eyes went wide, first with shock, then with anger when he saw the way Draco was staring. Lucius knew the look on Draco's face too well. He was beginning to _fancy_ Sirius! This could _not_ go on in his home! He would not allow it! Lucius stood up and ordered Sirius to the drawing room.

Sirius knew this couldn't be good. Lucius was red, and shaking. Sirius couldn't guess what he'd done wrong, besides dropping the tray. But he didn't think he'd get sacked over dropping a tray! Of course, there were the flower pots... and that bush. Oh, he wouldn't forget that bush. He couldn't help that the spell was the wrong one! He also couldn't have stopped it from spontaneously combusting and spreading across the estate! Somehow he knew he hadn't kept the incident from the Malfoys as well as he thought he had. So what if the grass was orange now! Sirius simply couldn't begin to imagine what was ahead of him.

"BLACK, PAY ATTENTION!" Lucius' voice echoed throughout the home. Sirius snapped to attention, making the skirt shorter, and his legs more luscious. Lucius looked him up and down, admiring the sight before him, almost against his will. "I know that you came to me this morning, is this what you asked me about? This atrocity? Why didn't you make it more urgent than 'Mr. Malfoy, can I talk to you?' You of all people should know what I'm like when I'm not paying attention."

"Well, I didn't think it was of the utmost importance... I just figured you wanted me in something different..."

"You have no idea what I want... I wanted that on _Draco_, not you... I shouldn't have said that..."

Sirius' eyes went as wide as plates and he backed out of the room quickly. Lucius let him go, figuring that he'd already said too much, and there wasn't anything he could say to cover it up.

-

Back in the dining room, Draco couldn't believe how GOOD Sirius looked in that ridiculous get-up. Narcissa was thinking along those same lines when all of a sudden Lucius broke into her thoughts. He stormed into the dining room, looking like a child who has just lost his balloon. "Who gave that man that ridiculous outfit!" he raged, turning to glare at Draco. He knew it had been Draco who gave Sirius the outfit, because he, Lucius, was the one who'd given it to Draco in the first place! Draco looked up and simply nodded at his father. Lucius stalked out of the room, ordering one of the house-elves to bring his dinner to the drawing room.

Sirius was walking back to his room, grinning to himself. Lucius hadn't sacked him! He didn't know what would happen if he got sacked... Lucius might make Remus give the money back. Sirius had to try his hardest to keep the job.

Lost in his thoughts, he tripped and fell down the remaining stairs, crashing into an ancient vase and landing on his head. Just then, Draco came walking out of the room adjacent to the vase. As Sirius was _not_ in the most flattering position, his skirt was up around his waist, and the world could see most of what he had to offer. Draco stopped short, wide-eyed and drooling. Sirius was pretty much unconscious, and unable to defend himself from the perverted eyes of the youngest Malfoy.

Lucius opened his door and saw the whole thing. He waited to see what Draco would do. His son ran over to Sirius and started babbling incoherently. Lucius growled, slammed the door behind him, and went to the fireplace. He took a pinch of Floo powder from his cauldron and bent close to the fire, throwing it in. The fire rose higher, turning green. Sticking his head into the fire he yelled out, "LESTRANGES' PLEASE!"

Lucius' head spun faster and faster until he was looking out of the Lestranges' fireplace. "BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, WHERE ARE YOU?"

From the corner of his eye, he saw someone jump up. All of a sudden Bellatrix's face was in front of his. "You have to take this monster of a human being off my hands!" he yelled at her.

"What are you talking about, Lucius?" Bellatrix was clearly confused.

"Sirius Black, your cousin, has entranced my son into _fancying_ him!"

Bellatrix sniggered before replying, "I always knew Draco would grow up to be a blinking fruit."

"A fruit! Did you just call my son a fruit! Well, he is. But he's MY fruit! Please, take Sirius, Bella! You don't have to pay much... I just want my son's affections back! Ever since I paid for that lowlife Draco hasn't come to the drawing room once!"

"Um... I'll give you..." Bellatrix looked around, and stuffed her hand into her robes. "Er... I'll give you... two Knuts and some lint!"

"Sounds great! He'll be here tonight!" Lucius crowed, and pulled his head back into his own home. Running out of the room, he saw that Draco was still drooling over Sirius. He ran over to the upside-down man and pulled him right-side up. "The Malfoy family is no longer in need of your service, Sirius Black!"

A panicked look appeared in Sirius' eyes. "You can't sack me, sir! I need this job! Remmie and Harry are counting on me... you can't make Remmie pay the money back!" he stammered on and on.

"No need for it. You are going to the Lestranges'. TONIGHT! Go and pack your belongings."

Sirius rushed up the stairs and to his room, quickly throwing his very few belongings into a bag. He ran back downstairs and stood at attention in front of Lucius.

"TAKEO! Collect the carriage. I need to deliver this man to the Lestranges' tonight!" Lucius shouted to another of his servants.

At the sound of horses whinnying and rocks crunching, Lucius threw open the door and ran outside with Sirius.

Once they reached the Lestrange home, Lucius jumped out of the carriage and pulled Sirius with him. Knocking at the door furiously was the only way Lucius could take out his fury and anxiousness.

Bellatrix opened the door, and her jaw dropped at the sight of her cousin.

To Be Continued...

-

(_A/N: Our second fic! It involves some of our trademark obsessions: Sirius in drag, Malfoy incest, stupid plotlines, and... well, we won't tell you. It will ruin the upcoming chapters. But we must warn you, probably every story we ever cobble together will feature weird kinks that we find funny, delicious, and deliciously funny. Just lighten up and laugh! We do. All the time. But then, we just might be insane. _

Please stay tuned for Chapter 2!)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimers:** We don't own anything. We are not supporters of slavery. Slash abounds.

Maid Service-  
---

Chapter 2

Bellatrix's eyes traveled from Sirius' pigtails to his pouffy blouse to his short skirt. Her eyes widened in horror at the shortness of the skirt. It showed too much leg even for a particularly shameless prostitute. When she caught sight of the tall, white, sparkly boots with their silver platforms, it was just too much. Her eyes rolled up in her head and she collapsed.

"Bella!" Lucius grabbed her as she fell, pulling her into the crook of his arm. "Bella? Bella!"

"What's going on!" Bellatrix's husband, Rodolphus, and his brother, Rabastan, had come charging into the entry. Rodolphus stared, taking in the sight of his brother-in-law struggling to hold up his twitching wife while maintaining a hold on a man in a scary schoolgirl's uniform. Then he began to twitch himself as he realised that the 'schoolgirl' was really his wife's cousin, Sirius.

"Help!" Lucius wailed. Rodolphus darted forward to take his wife from Lucius' arms. She was twitching violently, and as Rodolphus bent over her, struggled to speak.

"Horrible... scary... too much skin... please put something on him... I beg of you!..."

"You're scaring my wife, Black!" Rodolphus barked. "Get out of here, and change!"

"Yes sir," Sirius mumbled, happy to get away. He ducked behind a bush and stripped off the loathsome schoolgirl's uniform, stuffing it into his bag. Luckily, he still had the grey robes and black combat boots he had been wearing when he left home, and he put them on. He hastily unbraided his hair and stuck the ribbons in his bag. "Okay, I'm fixed!"

"Thank God," Rabastan mumbled from a corner, where he was nibbling on a biscuit. Lucius pushed Sirius across the Lestranges' threshold, and threw his bag after him. "Try not to screw up too badly!" he shouted, jumping into the carriage. "Takeo! Get me OUT OF HERE!"

The carriage sped off as if pursued by all the demons of Hell. Rabastan shut the door.

Bellatrix seemed to have recovered; she was sitting up at least, clutching at her heart. She glared at Sirius, but was still unable to speak. Rodolphus looked up at Sirius. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Bellatrix bought me," Sirius said sullenly. "I'm your new servant."

"I paid two Knuts and some pocket-lint for him," Bellatrix smirked, getting to her feet. "You're in for it, dear cousin. We don't even have house-elves, so you'll get to do EVERYTHING."

"No house-elves!" Sirius yelped. He had never heard of a pureblood family who _didn't_ have house-elves - well, except for the Weasleys, of course. "NO HOUSE-ELVES!"

"NO HOUSE-ELVES!" Bellatrix shrieked at him. "LOOK AT MY HANDS!" She held them out. Her skin was cracked from being in water all the time. "NOW _YOU_ CAN DO MY DISHES AND MY LAUNDRY!"

"NOOO!" Sirius wailed. The dishes were bound to be endless - Rabastan never stopped eating.

"YES!" she shrieked. Sirius burst into tears, and blew his nose on the schoolgirl skirt.

* * *

"Damn you, Bella-bitch," Sirius cursed under his breath, scrubbing furiously at a roasting pan firmly encrusted with pork fat. He was wearing a ruffly apron over his robes, and his hair was tied up under a kerchief. "I hate you, I hate your smelly dishes, I hate your smelly laundry -"

It had been a terrible week. All Sirius did was wash dishes, with short breaks to take clothes out of the washer, put more in, and hang the clean things out on the clothesline. His hands soon became so chapped from being in the water that they cracked and bled. He could do nothing about it but apply copious amounts of hand lotion every night, and make a vain attempt to bandage his wounds.

"BLACK! GET IN HERE!" Bellatrix's unmistakable screech sounded from the parlour. Sirius sighed, drawing his chapped hands out of the sudsy water and going to see what the Queen Mother wanted.

"Yes, Bella?" he mumbled, eyeing the Lestranges, who were clustered in front of the telly watching _Waiting For God_.

"Dirty dishes," she snarled, pointing to a stack behind Rabastan's chair. Sirius could have cried. He put them all on the tea cart and wheeled it into the kitchen. "I hate you, Bella-whore," he mumbled, stacking them on the counter and wheeling the tea cart back into the parlour. None of the Lestranges looked up at him; there was a commercial for an insurance company on the telly which featured a truck being crushed by a load of bricks. Surely, television would be the downfall of the once-mighty Black family.

The dishes oozed goo and got stinkier as Sirius scrubbed them clean. There seemed to be twenty smelly plates for every one he cleaned. Thankfully, the washer buzzed, and Sirius was able to abandon the dishes for a while in favour of the laundry.

He lugged the heavy basket outside and began to hang towels. From between two of the towels (black, of course, monogrammed with a silver L), he found a slinky red negligee, complete with matching bra and thong.

"ARGH!" He flung the revolting garments away, wiping his hands on his apron. "Ew, ew, ew! I touched Bella-slut's underwear!" It was the scariest thing he had ever encountered. But he couldn't leave the awful underwear lying on the grass. He had to find some way to hang it on the line.

He picked up a stick and poked it at the bra. He succeeded in hooking it by one of the straps, and draped it over the line, managing to fasten a clothespin between the cups to hold it in place. The negligee wasn't as scary, as long as he only touched it by the straps. Now that only left... the thong.

He eyed it nervously. How on Earth was he going to put it on the clothesline without _touching_ it?

Duh. Magic.

Sirius pulled out his wand, nervously swishing and flicking. "_Wingardium Leviosa!"_

He levitated the lacy thong to the clothesline, and reached out bravely with a clothespin to hold it in place. Once he did, he began to shudder violently, and started to whimper.

"I hate this," he wailed. "I miss Remmie!"

With that, he put a Memory Charm on himself to forget Bellatrix's knickers, and trudged up to the house to resume dish duty.

* * *

Back at the Shrieking Shack, Harry was happily digging into his second helping of roast beef and mashed potatoes. He was beginning to look a lot less starved - Lucius' money was doing good for him. Remus, however, was merely picking at his food, staring morosely out the window.

Remus missed Sirius. He had been furious with his mate, and had made a very hasty decision he now regretted with all his heart. He really loved Sirius with every ounce of his being, even when the man was doing utterly stupid things. Having him gone was proving to be quite difficult. True, it was a lot quieter now, and Remus could sleep without someone trying to have sex with him at two o' clock in the morning; but those were part of being with Sirius, and the werewolf felt he could put up with noise and begging just to have his lover back.

Harry waved his fork energetically in front of Remus' face. "Hwo, e'th 'oo 'Emus, 'oo 'wake?"

"What?" Remus asked politely, truly revolted by the amount of food Harry had in his mouth.

The boy swallowed with difficulty and repeated, "Hello, Earth to Remus, you awake?"

"Oh. I'm fine." Remus pushed his broccoli around in his gravy.

"You haven't touched your food. You barely touch any of your meals. You miss Sirius, don't you?"

Remus' bottom lip quivered at hearing his lover's name. He burst into tears, dropping his fork and jumping up. He fled to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him and throwing himself onto the king-sized bed, sobbing.

Harry started to get up, intending to go and comfort his second godfather. But then his eyes fell on Remus' untouched plate (ew! what an image!).

"Can't let good food go to waste," he concluded, and sat down to devour Remus' meal.

* * *

Sirius had been up all night crying as well. He really missed Remus and Harry, and despite the fact Remus had sold him into slavery, he still loved the mild-mannered ex-professor with all his heart. He hated being at the Lestranges', and hated doing dishes and washing his cousin's knickers. He wanted to go home, but he couldn't see a way out of his situation.

When he came downstairs the next morning, red-eyed and sniffling, Bellatrix paid no attention. He ate his usual grapefruit (they didn't allow him anything else, even though he hated grapefruit), and stood up to start on the mountain of dishes Rabastan had left beside the sink.

"Not today, Black!" Bellatrix barked. "You're doing something else!"

"Yes, ma'am," he mumbled, heading for the washing machine.

"Not that, either! Come with me!" She dragged him down to the basement, where an extensive potion-brewing laboratory had been set up. Sirius raised an eyebrow. He had never expected his cousin to be so proficient at potions.

"I'm terrible at Potions," she started, shattering that idea. "I only passed because I was sleeping with my Potions teacher."

Well. Sirius hadn't expected any less from her.

"I need to have a poison done for tonight," she said grudgingly. "You're the only one in this house who was ever any good at the subject. So I'm ordering you to make me a potion!"

"Yes, ma'am," Sirius mumbled as she shoved a roll of parchment at him. Bellatrix stormed away, slamming the basement door behind her and locking it. With a sigh, Sirius unrolled the parchment and read it. It was a recipe for a poison Sirius had never even heard about before, written in Lord Voldemort's shaky old-man handwriting. It looked as though the Dark Lord had invented it himself.

It was also the most complicated potion Sirius had ever seen. He gulped, looking up to glance at the shelves of potion ingredients lining one whole wall. Though Bellatrix had an extensive collection of ingredients, he was sure she didn't have everything that was in Voldemort's recipe. Well. He knew if he ventured upstairs to tell his cousin he couldn't do it, he'd end up getting _Crucio_'ed or something. He'd have to improvise.

He began making the poison, frequently checking the recipe. It called for some ordinary things, like newt tails, porcupine quills, and wolfsbane, but try as Sirius might, he just couldn't find goolug tree bark, zanglang eyes, or something called 'Windex'. Maybe he just couldn't read Voldemort's scribbledy handwriting. In any case, he substituted the fungus on the basement walls for the goolug bark, Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans for the zanglang eyes, and water for the 'Windex'. What on Earth 'Windex' was, Sirius had no idea.

"Okay," he said, looking at the boiling orange liquid he had produced. "Um... I guess that's what it's supposed to look like." He looked at the final ingredient.

'Crumple-Horned Snorkack Horn.'

"Those aren't real!" Sirius protested. "Stupid recipe!" He looked around wildly. The only thing available was a broken metal pipe.

"Oh well!" Sirius seized it. "_Bon Chance!"_

He drooped it in.

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

* * *

Several hours later, Sirius awoke to find himself lying in the grass. He sat up groggily and looked around. His eyes widened. The Lestrange house was gone! Where it had stood, there was nothing left but the hole where the basement used to be. The grass was burned away for twenty feet in all directions. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan were sitting nearby, looking furious. As soon as she noticed Sirius was awake, Bellatrix started shrieking at him.

"YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!" she shouted. "HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS! YOU'VE DESTROYED OUR HOME! WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIVE!"

"I'm sorry!" wailed Sirius. "Please, don't kill me!"

"I'm not going to," Bellatrix said through clenched teeth, "though I'd like to. Instead, I have sold you!"

"Sold me!" Sirius wailed. Not again! He wanted to go home!

"Yes. To Severus!" she shouted.

Sirius gagged and fell over. He had been sold to SNAPE! This couldn't be happening! Why, oh why, did the gods hate him so much?

A foot connected painfully with his ribs, and he yelped. He looked up to see Snape standing over him, looking sour. Lucius, Draco, and Narcissa were there as well. Apparently the Lestranges were going to live with them until they got a new house.

"Come on, idiot," Snape sneered, grabbing Sirius and pulling him towards Lucius' carriage. "It looks like I'm stuck with you now."

It was a very uncomfortable ride to Snape's house. Draco was staring at Sirius, breathing rather heavily with his hands clenched in his lap. When he tried to avoid Draco's lustful stares, Sirius found Bellatrix was staring at him as well, grinding her teeth so that sparks flew. He thought it best to look at his fingers instead.

The carriage came to a stop. Snape pulled a bottle out of his robes and handed it to Bellatrix. "Here you are, Bella," he said. "Your weight-loss potion."

"What!" Sirius yelped. "You're a TWIG! You sold me for a weight-loss potion!"

"Anything to get rid of you," she snapped, as he was pulled out of the carriage. "Try not to screw up too badly!"

The Lestranges and the Malfoys cackled evilly as their carriage sped off like Mrs. Gulch on her bicycle. Sirius sniffled, and turned to look at Snape's house.

It was _horrible_. It was painted entirely black, and the paint was peeling. Weeds were growing out of the gutters, and the lawn needed mowing quite badly. A few scrubby trees dotted the garden, and the bricks in the path were crumbling. It looked rather like a haunted house in a particularly tacky Muggle horror film, from the sagging porch to the bats roosting under the roof's underhang to the skeleton-head weathervane on the top of a tower. Sirius gulped as he approached the peeling black door, expecting the porch to collapse under him at any minute.

As he stood and waited for Snape to find the key to the door, Sirius heard an ominous creaking and groaning. Snape finally found the right key, opened the door, and walked in. Just as Sirius was moving to set foot inside the house, the porch did just as he had feared.

_CRASH!_

Realising there was no way to escape the situation, Sirius yelled. Snape turned, and glowered. "I assume you've figured out what your first task is then, Black?"

Sirius glared back and nodded curtly. "I assume you've got some ridiculous outfit for me as well then, _Snivellus_."

A grimace came over Snape's face then - one would assume it was a smile, but the, you could never tell with Snivelly. "Of course I do. Follow me, Black."

Sirius climbed out of his hole and followed Snape into the house. Sirius couldn't believe his eyes. It was _not_ as it should have been. Sirius had always imagined Snape's house to be dark, and full of evil things. But alas, it was... CLEAN! The walls were - GASP - normal colours! The one room that seemed to be out of the ordinary was Snape's bedroom. The walls were the colour of blood, and the bed had a canopy. One would never suspect Snape owned a canopy bed! Sirius followed Snape into the bedroom. His eyes darted around quickly, searching for the greaseball. Reappearing as quickly as he had disappeared, Snape showed up with something in his hands that Sirius couldn't quite make out. He _did_ see that it was white.

All of a sudden, Sirius realised why Snape had bought him. He was going to be - A SACRIFICE! Sirius broke down and started sobbing. He missed Remus, and he wanted to go home! He was sorry he'd ever BOUGHT that STUPID motorbike. He was angry with the salesman of that motorbike even more. He wondered if the man knew that he'd caused all of this to happen!

Well, we all know that even though Snape is evil, he _is_ a part of the Order of the Phoenix. We also know that he isn't stupid, and anybody could trace Sirius to him. One _more_ thing we know is that he doesn't like to sacrifice things. Well, we don't actually know that, but we can _assume_ that.

"BLACK! Don't make a mess of my rug! If you get so much as one tear on _anything_ in this home, consider yourself sacrificed!" Sirius squeaked in horror. Snape ignored him and continued. "Go on, put this on and get started on some dishes. I won't allow you to go out to get the wood, and I don't have any at my disposal... it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Make yourself useful!"

Sirius took the clump of clothing from Snape and headed into the bathroom. Upon closing the door, he took a look around. The walls were... PURPLE! He couldn't _believe_ Snivellus would allow a purple room in his home. After all, the outside was black! Come on now! Sirius shook his head and returned his attention to the outfit. Taking it by what seemed to be the shoulders, he let the rest drop. His mouth hung open in disbelief.

"BLACK! What's taking you so long! Get out here this instant and start on the laundry! Or something! Get moving!" Snape shouted. He couldn't wait to see this outfit on Sirius. He'd gotten the outfit from his niece. Or rather, she'd left it behind last time her family stayed with him.

Sirius stepped out of the bathroom, and the first thing he heard was Snivelly's laughter. He _knew_ he looked ridiculous! The dress was short in front and got longer in the back. AND IT WAS RUFFLY. Ruffles EVERYWHERE! The sleeves, which were off-the-shoulder and pretty much only straps, were quite wide and also ruffly. The neckline was ruffly and went all the way down to his navel. There was a red ribbon around his waist, and another one running around the hem of the skirt. Snape had also inadvertently given him shoes. They were red ballerina shoes! The lace ran the whole length of his calves. He had _no_ idea how he was supposed to do any work in this mess of ruffles.

Snape was positively screaming with laughter at the sight of the man in the dress, with his hair tied back in pigtails. He didn't know how the others had made him do it. "Get to work, Black! Do something useful... maybe you can use those ruffles to dust or something."

Sirius scowled at Snape. "Fine, Master _Snivelly_! Where is the laundry room?"

Snape started and headed towards the kitchen. "I don't have a laundry room. What's more, you have to wash my laundry by hand. I don't allow electricity in this home. All the lamps are gas, as you will notice. They make my complexion better."

Sirius stared at Snape as he followed along, clearly thinking he was bonkers. The kitchen was fairly bright and normal. There were large plate-glass windows all along the wall, looking out towards a pool. The wall treatment was a quite pretty design, redwood at the bottom with white tiles above, almost of a medieval sort. One would obviously never expect this of Snivellus.

Snape led the way to the washbasin. It was of the old wooden make, with the handle on the side and the scrubber on the top. This was going to be a handful of work for poor Sirius. He picked up one of Snape's robes. He looked it over and cringed. It was encrusted with egg yolk and other food items. Obviously the man wasn't just greasy, he was a messy eater as well.

"Black, you know what there is to do. After you get done with my clothes, wash the dishes, and then rake the front yard."

Sirius grumbled, but set to work. Snape walked out of the room, and Sirius decided to use a little magic to get the work done faster. Poking around the kitchen cupboards he found a pink soapy solution that he thought would work quite well to get the robes clean and as good as new. After pouring the solution into the basin, Sirius said a few words, waved his wand, and the robes began scrubbing themselves. Turning his back to the basin, he looked at the pile of dishes on the counter. He could have sworn he had seen a pack of cockroaches dash hurriedly out of sight. Only then did he remember why he was so frightened of them... that one night in a Muggle motel... Sirius shuddered.

* * *

Meanwhile at the Shrieking Shack, Remus was washing the dishes and got a sudden chill. With a smile, he remembered the night he and Sirius had once spent in a Muggle motel. But the memory was as painful as it was amusing, and Remus began to cry, shaking his head sadly. Harry walked in, rolled his eyes, shook his head and turned back the way he had come (the insensitive wart). He still could not fathom why Remus missed Sirius so much. He was, after all, always complaining about how much of a slob Sirius was and all that.

"Harry, you just don't understand!" Remus wailed. Feeling guilty, Harry turned back 'round and began to try to comfort Remus.

* * *

At Snape's house, Sirius was finally finished cleaning the dishes after an hour and a half. He turned around and fished the robes out of the pink sudsy water. For a moment, he thought he had put the wrong robes in. They were _pink_! All of them! Sirius' eyes widened in horror as he realised what he had done. He picked up the pink soapy solution and read the label. BLEACH, it proclaimed loudly. Sirius dropped the bottle in terror and began to think furiously. How could he fix the robes before Snape saw them?

Well, he couldn't. Snape walked into the room at that moment. He blanched at the sight of his robes, and then went wild. He couldn't believe that Sirius would sabotage him like tha- wait. What was he thinking? Of course he would! Snape grabbed Sirius by the hair and dragged him down the hallway. Throwing the whimpering Sirius into a broom cupboard, Snape began cursing and thinking of ways to get rid of the beastly man. All of a sudden, a brilliantly evil idea came to him. Running into the drawing room, he picked up a piece of parchment and began writing furiously. He ran to his owl, Snapey-kins, and tied the roll of parchment to its leg. "Off you go then!" he yelled as the owl took flight, "To the _Daily Prophet_ with you!"

"What have you got planned for me, Snivellus?" Sirius wailed through the door of the cupboard.

"Just you wait and see, Black!" Snape shouted gleefully, giving the door a kick as he passed.

To Be Continued...

_(A/N: Finally, the second chapter. We apologise for being so slow. Please bear with us! _

The "night in the Muggle motel" Sirius and Remus remember refers to our first story, "Some Enchanted Evening". Please check it out! Thanks!)


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